My Struggle with Imposter Syndrome

Nothing I enjoy than being active writer especially in this blog as i have met, interacted, learned and had great fun with fellow readers on this site but unfortunately I also felt an alient or outsider to the writing world as i have felt that somehow somewhere my writing were shallow and trash and perhaps i shouldnot have taken the pen,

i know am partly cruel to myself especially setting up high expectation of myself someone who never set foot outside Somalia and Somali being his first language even so i felt since i learned English a language that i have strange relationship with since its the langue of the former colonialist of my nation and also a language that have literally opened my eye to many universes that I can be able to express myself using it but alas i feel there’s wall between how i feel and how i express myself here that made me feel like an imposter around here which caused me an acute sense of inferiority complex that slowly and stealthy suffocated my desire to write and eventually the shame and the guilt made me stop writing.

If i said i had writing block I will be lying but what happened to me was loathing of my writing, what I mean about self loathing is the fact I never felt happy about what i was writing back then and till now that self loathing and paralyzing self doubt has never left me and it made me unable to write or even when i write to publish it.

most of the early writing in this blog was book review which i doubly call them reviews but it was more about what i felt about those books than actually reviewing them showing their merits and disadvantages and honestly i always was never satisficed about them even when i was publishing them and interacting with my friends kind comments there was linger of self doubt that made me feel shameful that i even dared to publish them and the sad thing is that no matter how many motivated i was about writing or financially incentivized offers my friends offered i never felt happy about I wrote no matter what happened and perhaps what troubled me was that I was suffering from severe case imposter Syndrome which made me believe that my writing was awful and that no matter what people say kindly about my post my self doubt added with severe anxiety about how my works will be seen and read.

I wont deny that i miss writing not only books but also about events and about my everyday life just because i truly enjoy writing and after three years of secretly writing and storing them in drafts I feel am able enough to open up about my struggle with writings and also accept no matter how many times i rewrite and secretly admonish myself about not writing well my writing wont be perfect or good as i want or hope and this is the lesson i learned from not writing for three years.

Having perfectionist mindset may seem good at the beginning but eventually as it moves you to write perfectly and eloquently it also creates anxiety disappointment with yourself as you never attain impossible goals so I stopped expecting high end for of writing of myself and accepted to write with passion and love.

I also accepted that somehow my writing will not fully express how i felt and thought and there will be some form of wall between them but i am also planning to thinning it with continues writing and practice till i reach that stage where there’s no doubt what i wrote and felt and never censor myself for my fear of my Imposter Syndrome

and the last lesson will be that having great friends who are are also amazing writers especially my two dearest friends Suhaib and Daniel Elkind who never doubted me and always cheered me to return to writing have really impacted me in many ways and i am so grateful to being their friend so sorry for my followers for stopping writing and also for deleting my former posts but i promise you that i will make up on you with better book reviews and essays hopefully

3 Comments

  1. Ina, as someone who tends to work on a blog post review over about four days, I know about how perfectionism can get in the way. However, I would suggest you think of reviews as a way of figuring out what you think about a book (sometimes the writing process itself helps you appreciate a work more—or less). Readers are interested in your response, not perfection. I can also tell you, as someone who has edited many reviews for publication that what you read in a journal may have gone through several rounds of edits to get it into the shape you encounter as a reader. So give yourself room to explore. Finally, the impostor feeling will likely resurface elsewhere as you get older (60 year-old with impostor syndrome here), but remember that it is because you have integrity and care about being true to your values. That is not a bad thing, nor does it mean you are in any way false or inadequate—quite the opposite. Write on.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I would strongly second Joe’s comments above – I never feel entirely satisfied with what I write and always doubt whether I’ve really said what I want to say on my posts. But I try to move past that and in the end if I have captured a little of what I feel about a book that will have to do. As Joe says, it’s what you think about a book that we’re interested in – there is always a risk (for me anyway) that over analysis will spoil a book, so I like to hear what others got from it as much as anything else. Welcome back, and I hope you will go on to share what you’ve been reading!

    Liked by 3 people

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