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The End of the Moment We Had by Toshiki Okada Tr by Samuel Malissa

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this is the latest book of Pushkin press Japanese Novellas which Pushkin has started to translates Japanese new best sellers
this book has won Kenzaburo Oe Prize
the book contain two unrelated stories which we the first one seemed easily readable while the second was hard to grasp and understand what is happening inside it.
th first part of the book or story starts with a bunch of drunk guys who seems to be unaware of where they are going or how noisy their talk is to their surrounding and eventually the six of them find their way to a club in which one of the drunk guys hooks up with a girl and they leave together to love hotel where they spend four days making love and talking how is that possible i don’t know.
ironically through these four days in which they talked about everything they didn’t bother themselves to ask each other their names

” time which is always pushing us forwards, pushing us forwards, and even if we want it to slow down a little it never listens, so we give up hope of it ever letting up, but for now, just for now, time felt like it’d been unplugged and we had been given a reprieve. That feeling filled our bodies little by little, or maybe it came all at once, but there it was. That was what we wanted, so we tried to make it happen, and it actually did.”

the second story is about women who refuses to go to work and spends all her day in bed thinking about the best excuse to not go to work but also about her difficult relationship with her passive husband and about her last read blog and about examining her room from kitchen to window.
from her obsession about her husband imaginary blog to her inability to understand her husband passivity in life

. How come the sun is shining outside and everyone’s running around but I don’t feel the least urge to do anything? How come I don’t care? The light in the room feels heavy, like a chunk of ice that’s starting to melt and the edges are beginning to get soft and round.

my husband didn’t act hurt or angry at what I was saying, he just sat there passively taking it all in. To me, this was humiliating. Why didn’t he shout back, challenge the outrageous stuff I was saying, why didn’t he get mad at me? That’s why I’ve spent so much time searching for a blog or something of his, because if he had a reason not to shout back I bet he would have written about it. But it could be that he doesn’t write a blog, or that if he does it’s set to private and you have to sign up or register or something to read it, or it’s on a secret page on Mixi or some other social networking site that I won’t be able to find. And if he did that, then I really really wonder what he wrote.

although it was my first time i read the Pushkin Japanese novellas and somehow unsatisfying the reading was i intend to read the other books also because who can resist Pushkin press alluring books

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Seven Hanged by Leonid Andreyev

Death the fate of every living being,being gifted with life you must also accept the negative side of the bargain that one day sooner or later that gift will be taken from you and you will become inanimate thing, something indistinguishable from stone or sand, a sad but true fact of life which is hard to deny but also hard to accept also, person like me who think play dream and laugh will one day will become dead and i will stop thinking playing laughing or dreaming, i will become no more distinguishable from rock or wall.

No matter how many times you tell me i cant believe it and no matter how many time i lie to myself it still haunts me 29437517

this is a story of Capital Punishment in which seven inmates wait their execution, and how everyone react and contemplate their incoming doom.

in the first part of the novel we get to know the government official who barely escaped death as secret police told him there was an attempt on his life and that terrorist group was planning to assassinate him in one o’clock tomorrow

and he couldn’t stop thinking about the cruel fate that some people had had in store for him.

although being warned and foretold about the incoming attempt on his life and as the police prepared the plan to capture the terrorist group before they kill him he still couldn’t believe in his salvation

he still couldn’t quite believe in his salvation. He wasn’t sure that life wouldn’t slip away from him, suddenly, any minute now. The death that those people had planned for him, which existed only in thought and intention, seemed to be still there, and it was going to stay there, it wouldn’t go away until they were caught

eventually he was transferred to other house and that night he couldn’t sleep and what irritated him the most

because it’s me thinking. And it’s not death that is terrifying, only my knowing about it. And it would be totally impossible to live if a man were to know with complete certainty the date and time when he was sure to die

and being told the date of your death can be one of the horrible things any humans hear it makes attached to that date and you become oblivious to everything else

eventually the seven inmates are transferred to individual solitary cell and each person contemplates that tomorrow he will leave this world and he will be hanged.

you cease to be human,alive and individual when you are hanged.

one last quote from one of the narrator who contemplate the mechanical aspect of the law and capital punishment

it also became a mechanical process and only for that reason something to be dreaded. Fetch and grab, take away, hang, pull down on the legs. Cut rope, haul down, cart away and bury.

A man has gone from the world.

one of the best novels i ever read which deals with the subject of death and capital punishment and its rumored that this novel inspired the Serbian assassins who assassinated Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria.

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the Author Leonid Andreyev

 

 

some stuff that is happening in my life

one of the hardest facts that i have to accept now days is that am losing my sight in a faster rate that i had expected and this sudden deterioration of my eyes has forced me to stop the only thing i know and loved in the world which is reading and since the doctors has warned me from prolonged reading on Kindle it forced me use my time in other stuff which requires not much of my eyes.

i feel little bit angry  and honestly scared of my upcoming loss of sight and sometimes i wonder why this happened while i am still relatively young since i am 24 years old but also why this sickness hinders me from the only thing i knew and loved to do which is reading  also am trying to accept this fact and trying to focus in doing other stuff like socializing and playing sports and exerting little pressure on my eyes

am not good at expressing what i feel and thinking so i thought a little writing in my sight could help and release me from this depression because of lack of reading as much as i used to.

And sorry if i ruined your day and depressed you but somehow i hope this post reminds you how much precious is being able to read since not many people are able to read and those able to read don’t like to read

Banthology Stories From Banned Nations edited by Sarah Cleave

 

Reading can be an escape, something transportative that takes you to different countries, cultures and states of mind.  It can take you to all the places that Donald Trump doesn’t want you to go.

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in January 2017 Us President issued an executive order which called  Executive Order 13769 which later was called the Muslim Ban which prohibited citizens from seven countries from entering US for 90 days and these nations were  Iran, Iraq, Libya, Syria, Yemen, Somalia and Sudan.

well since i am Somali i really felt sorry for how US government saw us never rethink how this ban would affect many US citizens who originally were from these nations, what made America very appealing to many people around the world is now days slowly burning and with every news brief i see i see America i read about metamorphosing into something uncanny and unappealing to any one.

Just as i finished my university degree and though about traveling outside to discover countries and  other cultures  and maybe start my Master outside the country i discovered the meaning of being citizen of failed state which was unpleasant fact of being refused to enter many nations and many nations requires so many documents and exams which is unavailable currently in my country so the ban made the idea of traveling to US less appealing and released me from the elusive dream of visiting there.

but even the Ban will not hopefully affect my love for literature and my curiosity to learn about and hopefully will not affect how we see each other and treat each other.

the book first edition release coincided initially with the Trump travel ban although the ban has gone though many changes since then and the idea of the book was to give these seven nations some representation and who rump collectively see them as Terrorist,

Comma Press has commissioned seven writers from these nation to write in response to Trump Travel ban and the writers were asked to write books which explore themes of Exile, exile, travel, and restrictions on movement”.

the contributors to these book

  • Wajdi al-Ahdal
  • Rania Mamoun
  • Anoud
  • Fereshteh Molavi
  • Najwa Binshatwan
  • Zaher Omareen
  • Ubah Cristina Ali Farah

BIRD OF PARADISE by Rania Mamoun is a Sudanese author, journalist, and activist and this story describes young female who is trapped in Airport with no food and only survives in drinking water from tab and how her life in rural Sudan were and how her older dominated and affected her life choices, and now she is stuck in airport with she do not intend to leave but also unable to live in it since she is broke.

The good thing about airports is the freedom to sit wherever you like; no one asks you to leave or to move on. I sit here day in, day out, utterly bereft of everything. The few coins I brought with me are already spent and my pockets are now empty. I ate my last biscuit two days ago; half in the morning, half in the evening. All that remains is regret.

THE BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO SMUGGLING by Zaher Omareen who is is a Syrian writer and researcher based in London and this story describes young Syrian who tries to migrate from Greece to France to Sweden and this one was the most funniest story in the anthology

The day of the trip, I prayed two rak’as1 for good luck and made my way to the airport. This was the only kind of relationship I’d had with God since I was a child: a strictly beneficial one. If I passed an exam, I gave a bit of money to the mosque. If I failed, they didn’t get a penny.

but the most depressing story in the anthology is RETURN TICKET by Najwa Binshatwan is a Libyan academic, novelist and playwright.

the story describes the village of Schrödinger which is cosmic anomaly and the city is able to fly and move around the world and space except for the US whose wall is getting higher and higher that even the town is unable to hover around it for too long and since the town tries every time to return the remains of six American tourists ye each time they fail because the wall is getting higher and higher and even the dead American are giving a voice and each console himself that they died before

‘It’s good that we died before America’s prison warden came to power.’

although this anthology is really short but it shows you literature from countries no one to visit or know about them and since this is my first introduction to Comma Press

The Chibok Girls by Helon Habila

I always wondered why religious extremism especially from my faith was scared of women eduacation or western education in general,why many Muslim insurgents from Boko Haram in Nigeria to Taliban  in Afghanistan fought against women education and actually bombed and killed many students and teachers and their guilt was learning.

Why the sight of young girls trying to learn how to read and write provokes so much anger in these men that they will try to kill them or kidnap them and force them as a sex slaves,seeing some people who shares my same beliefs but still using the same religion we both share as cover for thei evil acts makes me really ashmed of what some Muslims are doing to themselves.

In the last days of Holy Ramadan i picked up this short nook which tells the story of Boko Haram and the young teen gurls who were kidnapped by Boko Haram.

Boko Haram means Western eduacation is forbidden which is the name of violent extremist group in Nigeria  who did the usual Terrorist group works but risen to infamy by their kidnapping of Chibok young girls from their school dorms.

What makes this group more sinister than any other Jihadist groups in West Africa is that their fixation with using young girls as suicide fighters and even using girls as seven to suicide attack.

the first time Boko Haram attacked schools they killed most of thee young boys in the school and left the girls alone and warned them from going to school and advised them to marry but the second time they attacked the school they simply kidnapped all the girls and sent them to near impassable forest were it hard to follow them.

what made Chibok different from its neighboring towns is that it is the only Christian town in predominately Muslim region which marginalized them from their surrounding and made them an easy target for the terrorist.

interestingly although Chibok is small town is abodes with large stories of kidnapping and violence related either to politics and or religion, and this quote summarize why many nations rich with resources are still stuck in poverty

Actual violence, or the threat of it, helps to keep the populace in check, just as poverty does. Keep the people scared and hungry, encourage them to occasionally purge their anger on each other through religiously sanctioned violence, and you can go on looting the treasury without interference. I used to wonder why the facilities at our airports and in almost all public buildings in Nigeria were always broken and substandard, until I realized it was not accidental. It is a way of controlling the masses. The masses must never be allowed to think they deserve standard service. Even if they get what is theirs, like decent salaries, healthcare, and education, they must first grovel and beg for it, so that when they finally get it they feel it comes from the munificence of their political overlords, and not as a right.

although 5, Nigeria is the world’s twentieth largest economy, with a GDP of more than $500 billion. The country is the seventh largest oil exporter in the world at least half of the population lives below the poverty line and when Nigeria gained independence 9 million people were below poverty line but now almost 100 million people below poverty line and nothing seems to improve still.

our author who was born and used to live in Nigeria reminisce  about his childhood experiences where Islam and his neighboring Muslims were tolerant and there were no single violent incident between his family who were Christian and their Muslims neighbouring.

That version of Islam was able to accommodate tradition and diversity, and didn’t view the rest of the world through a puritanical lens. But all that changed, as if in a day. A stricter, less tolerant version of Islam emerged and took over the scene.

and now even most Christians are becoming also more strict with their faith and

against a backdrop of declining revenues, high unemployment rates, political corruption and rivalries, government mismanagement, rampant materialism, and serious popular concern about the erosion of moral and religious values

most people sought after

people sought answers in religion. But an irrational reliance on religion, instead of giving the people peace and comfort, only made them less tolerant and more desperate.

and this solution still is not helping them to solve their problems.

what brings more sorrow in this book is the social attitude to the returning girls where they are not accepted fully into he family and since most of them are pregnant or have children who their father is fighters of Boko Haram they become outcasts of their society and rather being victim they take the culprit role

Publisher: Penguin Books

Date Read: June 2018

No. of Pages: 128 pages

Date Published: 6 April 2017

 

Chronicle of a Death Foretold by Gabriel García Márquez translated by Gregory Rabassa

Publisher: Penguin Books

Date Read: May 2018

No. of Pages: 128 pages

Date Published: April 23, 2014

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I find it really hard to explain this word Honor to people who live in modern nations and since this word with its meaning could be found in many societies but unless you lived in traditional society this short novella wouldn’t have much resonance with you.

how can you explain how my people consider Honor which is made up of  certainly a women, and that how my society sees women doesn’t look much different than how this novella town sees them, men honor depends on women and women honor depends on her virginity,what i found strange how a person dignity and humanity can be summarized to a small sheath of skin which determines how good or bad she is.

how many wars between tribes happened and how many people lost their life because of this word and how many societal tragedies has happened because of this word,

for instance in my hometown a women has fell in love and  run away with a man since her family refused the idea of her marrying a man from lower castes and since she run away with man she has dishonored her family name and the family has killed her with her lover,what i found inhumane was that no one tried to save the girl when she screamed for help and  the people divided between those ignoring her call for help and others actually cheering and supporting this crime.

The brothers were brought up to be men. The girls had been reared to get married

this short novella which is my second book i read for Garcia and i have read in almost two hours consecutively and while reading it it both reminded me how sexist societies are and how unfair they are to women and how your gender can determine how your parent would welcome you in the first hours of your birth to how much education you get and how much income your receive.

Chronicle of a Death Foretold, by Nobel prize winner Gabriel Garcia Marquez is a novella which the story of Santiago Naser who is murdered by the twin Pedro and pablo Vicario  and how his murder was so foretold that no one believed when it happened and everyone is doubted it could happen.

when Bayardo San Romá  proposed to Angela Vicario she didn’t feel any affection or love toward him and she told her family of her refusal to marry him but

her mother demolished it with a single phrase:
“Love can be learned too.”

and after get married and her husband discovers her loss of virginity he peacefully returns her to her mother who with her twin brothers forced her to say the name of her lover

found it at first sight among the many, many easily confused names from this world and the other, and she nailed it to the wall with her well-aimed dart, like a butterfly with no will whose sentence has always been written.
“Santiago Nasar,” she said.

but what is wrong in this murder is that no one was sure that Santiago was her lover since no one saw them together but since Santiago reputation was famous as womanizer around the town no one also thought he was innocent also

 

and since the twins were so much eager to revenge against Santiago but also so hesitant they told all the town about their impending crime so someone could stop them but no one thought their talk was serous so no one tried to warn and save the victim earnestly

eventually crime occurs and the twins will be pardoned since this is honor crime.

although this is a short novella it fills you with so many questions about sexist societies are and  how humans are so fragile and weak that no one remembers the same thing exactly and still in many societies including my own how women value is determined by her virginity and how men value is determined by how he protects his women or how he takes revenge for it.

ironically just as i finished this novella i discovered in Sudan a young teen Noura Hussein who was forced to marry  a man and she accidentally killed him was sentenced to death because of that

http://www.middleeasteye.net/news/sudanese-teens-death-penalty-marital-rape-case-highlights-widespread-problems-2078372463

 

 

The Beekeeper by Dunya Mikhail tr by Max Weiss and Dunya Mikhail

Staying alive doesn’t mean permanent survival. Anyway,what is survival when the calamity survives along with you? To survive all alone is the worst kind.

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Format eBook
Publisher New Directions Publishing Corporation
Publication date Mar 27 2018
Language English
Pages 240
Price $16.99
ISBN-13 9780811226134
While i was reading this book i remembered the promise mankind promised to itself when the horror of holocaust was revealed to mankind and that the holocaust would be the last genocide mankind would face, but since humans and nations  have short span memories we repeated the same mistakes and genocides again and again with a short term remorse and a long term amnesia.
while i was reading this book also i remembered some of my friends and cousins who have joined ISIS  in 2014 and 2015 not because of their love for death or killing but because their need for belief and their belief that ISIS was going to change the fate Sunni of Syrian and Iraq who were massacred by their country government, were they among the monsters who have kidnapped and killed the Yazidi women in Iraq,but they are all dead and i cannot ask them about their deeds or beliefs anymore.
this short book took me a three compete days to read not because of my busy life or lengthiness but the amount of horrors contained in it forced me sometimes to stop and run away from it and sometimes contemplating to stop turning the pages.
this book tells the story of modern Schindler the Beekeeper Abdullah who transformed after ISIS attacked his hometown in 2014 from beekeeper to human smuggler who smuggles Yazidi women abducted by ISIS from Syria,
Yazidi plight starts as ISIS starts a ferocious attack in mount Sinjar which is home to small Yazidi religious minority who their faith is linked to ancient Mesopotamian  religions with a small amount of Islam and Christianity and Zoroastrianism added in it.
after the attack the whole population was to school were men were first divided from women and after gathering men in big trucks they were driven to big trenches were they were shot to death and the old women with their grand children were driven to small fish pond  were they were buried alive, the remaining women then were driven either to Mosul or Raqqa where they were sexually enslaved.
these book is collection of victims testimonies and these victims are the lucky ones who were smuggled from ISIS grip but what is lucky if you come to home where most of your family member are either kidnapped or killed.
our first victim is Nadia who according to ISIS price list worth $85
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Nadia was sold to Chechan man who bought her with her children and usually beat her and her children if they didn’t recite Quran correctly and used to rape her in front of her children
 beside being sex slave to ISIS member show was forced to work 12 hours a day making detonator and rockets eventually after tired of her life one day while ISIS member was absent she escaped from the home and went to internet cafe where she called her cousin Abdullah who managed to smuggle her out of Syria and she was able to come home where some of her family survived.
our second victim is miss Raghda
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 miss Raghda with her children also were kidnapped from Iraq and sold in Raqqa slave market with her children and were used as cheap workers in rocket manufacturing and here is a transcript of a conversation with the two young children
What’s your name?
Hoshyar.
How old are you, Hoshyar?
Three.
Where were you before you came to Baadhra?
With Daesh.
Where with Daesh?
In Syria.
Hoshyar, were you in a madrassa with Daesh?
No, I was in one of their houses.
What were you doing in the house?
Who was teaching you Quran?
Abu Jihad.
Why were you there?
They made me go with them.
Where did they take you from?
Raqqa.
The man who was teaching you Quran, where was he from?
Russia.
And how did you know he was from Russia?
He told me.
Who else was there with you?
My mom and my sister and three children with their mother.
Did they teach all of you Quran?
Yes. And we built rockets.
What were you building?
Rocket, rocket.
And what do you remember from the Quran?
I was in Syria with Daesh.
I want to know what you can remember from the Quran.
In the Name of God, most gracious, most compassionate, praise be to God, Lord of the two worlds, the gracious, the compassionate, master of the Day of Judgment . . .
Do you know what that means?
No, no I don’t.
Hoshyar, what did they feed you?
Bones. Abu Jihad would eat meat and then give me the bones. I couldn’t eat the bones but he used to make me stand on one leg for an hour.
Were you afraid of them?
He told me he could cut my head off if he wanted to.
Why did he say that?
He told me to pray, he said that when I grew up, God willing, I would go fight with Daesh.
Hoshyar, where are you right now?
In Baadhra.
Is your situation okay right now? Better than being with Daesh?
I’m at home. I’m good.
Thank you, Hoshyar. Could you hand the phone to your sister?
Hello.
How are you, Rula?
Fine.
How old are you?
Seven.
Can you tell me what you did when you were with Daesh?
They beat me while we made rockets for them.
What kind? And how did you make them?
TNT. From chemicals.
Did you also study Quran and prayer?
Yes.
Did you understand the words you were memorizing?
No.
Who was your teacher?
Daesh.
What was the name of the person who taught you?
Abu Jihad.
Did you learn how to pray?
Yes, but now I want to forget.
using these small children to work in the dangerous manufacturing Chemicals was one of the instances that forced me to cry while i was reading the book and made me rethink about reading this book but i continued and after chapter you dive deep into this innocent people misery and how sometimes life is unfair to certain people.
while this book continues telling the survivors of these genocides the author delves deep into her past and her family past as also a christian minority who were treated better than the Yazidi people and were only forced to leave the city without their belongings.
but most important person is Abdullah who thanks to his dedication to saving his people from ISIS was able to start a small smuggling unit which was able till the publication of the book to smuggle 70 people and return them to their families or what remained of
them

The Orange Grove Larry Tremblay, trans. from the French by Sheila Fischman

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Living in Somalia where it is tribal country where you have hundreds of people who you can claim they are your cousin and they are your shelter when everything around is crumbling.

At one side being tribal it means you have cousins who will help you in marriage,cousins who would help when disaster or death struck you family as they are your only social security

but this model also has negative sides to it , if you were unfortunately killed by people from other nation or tribe you can be sure that your tribe would eventually take revenge for you, and those who will help you seek justice or revenge are your fellow cousins from your tribe

this social model has led my nation to go through 25 years of civil war where you don’t know where this cycle of violence has started  but you sure it would continue for long time.

this social model is also what made the America to be stuck fighting 17 years with tribesmen all way from Mali to Somalia to middle east to Afghanistan and it seems there is no end to this endless war

this is short which is almost 174 pages which explores the nature of terrorism and extremism,how young children are recruited to be killing machine and how religion can be corrupted and used to explain the horrific things humans can do to each other.

this novel starts with the twin who lives happily in their orange farm where suddenly a missile launched from the other side of the mountain struck the twin grand parents

Amed and Aziz found their grandparents in the ruins of their house. Their grandmother’s skull had been smashed in by a beam. Their grandfather was lying in his bedroom, his body shredded by the bomb that had come from the side of the mountain where every night the sun disappeared.

after that unfortunate incident the family is approached by three men who want to condole the family for their tragedy but also see if they are ready to take revenge of the people who launched that missile into their grandfather home

but before the one of the twins are chosen to be martyr or to carry out suicide attack they are visited by their older friend who is 15 and was about carrying suicide into the people from other side of the mountain.

here comes Soulayed who is recruiting this children to their demise and here is how he is convincing Halim the twin older friend to not be sympathetic with the enemy

Your softness weakens us and brings us shame. Where is your anger? I do not hear it. Listen to me, Halim: our enemies are dogs. They are like us, you think, because their faces are faces of men. That’s an illusion. Look at them with the eyes of your ancestors, and you’ll see what these faces are really made of. They are made of our death. In a single enemy face, you can see our annihilation a thousand times

eventually he

crossed the frontier. Soulayed told him how. He passed through a secret tunnel. Then he climbed onto a crowded bus. At noon, he blew himself up.”

this book tries to explain how people fall into terrorism hands and how they become radicalized and how even childhood is lost is corrupted when you are in a war

To kill time, they played at blowing themselves up in the orange grove. Aziz had stolen an old belt from his father that they weighted with three tin cans full of sand. They took turns wearing it, slipping into the skin of a future martyr. The orange trees also played war with them. The trees became enemies, endless rows of warriors poised to launch their explosive fruits at the slightest suspicious noise. The boys worked their way between them, crawling and scraping their knees

eventually even after one the twins are selected to carry out the suicide operation and the death one the twin the book leaves us with this question

He was asking himself the same questions about evil. It was too easy to accuse those who committed war crimes of being assassins or wild beasts. Especially when those who judged them lived far from the circumstances that had provoked the conflicts, whose origins were lost in the vortex of history. What would he have done in a comparable situation? Would he, like millions of other men, have been capable of fighting for an idea, a scrap of earth, a border, or even oil? Would he, too, have been conditioned to kill innocents, women and children?

it is quite amazing book to read especially if you are a Western who are baffled  and incapable of understanding why war in this region continues for so long and most of the time.

 

 

Things that ruined my reading experiance

First of all am really sorry to make you help me in my personal problems but i have some issues denying me the pleasure of reading and would love getting advice from people who could help me

  • The first things is that me being cosmopolitan is that i do feel citizen of the world and love learning other cultures more than mine but sometimes i feel uprooted like leaf of grass in the wind where i don’t feel am fully affliated with any nation and being Somali who reads most of the time in English makes me sometimes reexamine myself and beliefs and prejudices and this sometimes  can be very hard to explain to other people but who know maye there is people who speak English as second language could understand the difficulties sometimes i face when i am reading books.
  • The second thing which i find myself doing and but also irritated by it is that sometimes unless i find the edition of the book i want I wouldn’t read it, although if i was born of first world nations that would not be a problem but since i am Somali who was born in Somalia where Amazon don’t reach it,this search for the wanted edition of the book reminds of the ugly truth is that being of citizen of failed state sometimes your choices in life and also in books you read would be minimun or none.
  • The third problem is book hoarding which maybe related ti be birn in a country where famine still occurs, i tend to buy more books than i would read in a life time and i feel myself addicted to it and this would ruin your reading experiance, seeing all these books waititng for you to be read can ruin the pleasure of reading.

Sorry if these problems seems absure or kind meaningless but i would love hearing any advice you would tell me related to my problem, and thanks again for passing by